How can I be married to a Wildland Firefighter & NOT feel Abandoned & Stay Connected? Is this possible???

My husband Dave and I met while fighting fire together at a US Forest Service remote ranger station. Now with more than 20 fire seasons shared we have developed all sorts of habits and stored all sorts of memories. During those years our relationship has transformed from the young single life, to being in relationship while both fighting fire, to me working outside the fire world, to getting married, to raising children together. Raising children together is when things really got difficult for me. My ways of dealing with that challenge made the reintroduction at the end of the season most difficult.

In July 2017, I got angry. I began to feel(for the first time) my life of being married to a firefighter and it sucked! Mad that my life didn't look like what I envisioned for myself. Mad that I married and chose to have kids with a firefighter. I want a husband that is.....(everything I didn't have). My way of dealing with the pain, which used to be unconscious, was to push him away and distance myself. Now noticing it and not sure what to do. Something has to change. I want to feel connected during fire season. How do I remain open to feeling connected and staying attached and allow it to be painful? Will it get easier? How do I love him without resentment? If resentment comes from an unmet need, how can I get that need met? What exactly is the unmet need? So many questions....  

I know in my heart that the way I navigated the challenges of being married to a wildland firefighter, are going to be different from here forward. I know my pride in being independent left me feeling all too lonely and I want more connection in my life. “How the heck am I suppose to do this?”

With no idea how, I am open to the idea of staying connected through the distance that fire season brings on but no clue how to do it... My all too familiar ways of disconnecting to avoid the pain of missing him and worrying about all things fire is no longer an option for me. I’m beginning to actually miss him and worry like I never have before. This isn't working either. Is the old way of living two separate lives actually the only way to get through it? It sure was easy to live pretending I was indifferent to him being around. The hard part always came when he was around again and the ugly resentment reared it's head. I now trust my self enough to endure any pain that this new challenge may bring up. I know pretending is not how I want to live my life. I will not let fear stop me from feeling and I will continue to show up even when it’s uncomfortable. Every shift begins with awareness. The willingness to stay open and connected is my ongoing practice. Through this process I am growing to want more closeness and feel more comfortable with at least the idea of closeness. This desire for year round, not seasonal, connection with my husband extends to daily connection with myself. This will take time to create and it’s happening...

If you’d like to read more of my blog posts click here.